When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
