I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize