I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
