Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
