Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
