i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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