i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
