the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
