I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
