the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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