i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
