While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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