I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
