hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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