Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
