So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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