I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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