The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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