I wish my penis had an off switch
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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