god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
