I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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