Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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