Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
my penis made a compromise with my morals
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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