I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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