He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
