I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
