Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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