Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
