birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
