It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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