i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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