I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
