her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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