i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
