Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
