i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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