her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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