I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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