why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
