I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
