so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize