your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
