Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize