chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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