"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
