seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
