We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
