I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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