She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
