seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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