I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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