my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
