My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
