I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
