You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
