new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
