The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
