Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The air was thick with penises
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Randomize
