yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
